Stephen Kennedy's Rants

Just got these via email today… quite funny

NEW RULES FOR ENTERING ALBERTA:

1. Bring your own house!!!!!

2. If you are going to the Oil Sands, bring your own house, school,

and hospital.

3. If you are going to Edmonton, wear your flak jacket. This is the

murder capital of Canada.

4. If you are driving to Edmonton, note that it is also the auto theft

center of Canada.

5. If you are bringing drugs, head straight to Fort McMurray, the drug

capital of Canada.

6. If you are looking for work, look no further. Minimum wage is $5.60

per hour.

7. If you work downtown, note that parking costs $5.00 per hour or more.

8. If you are able to buy a house in Edmonton, or Calgary, why not

spend the money on a 15 year holiday.

9. If you drive a Hummer, look out. Alberta has the highest gas prices

in Canada [The Alberta Advantage].

10. In Edmonton we have 5 hospitals. 10 years ago we had 7. Don’t come

here sick.

11. In Calgary the population has exploded. The last road was paved 12

years ago. Calgary is a no parking zone.

12. Remember when Roy Rogers etc. were beating the Indians? Well it’s

payback time. They own all the Casinos here.

13. Edmonton is the Road Pot Hole Capital Of Canada. (without a doubt)

 

NEW CALGARY RULES OF THE ROAD:

 

1. You must first learn to pronounce the name correctly — it is:

“CAL-GREE”. The second ‘A’ is redundant.

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00am to noon. The evening rush hour

is from noon to 8:00pm. Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning

and ends on Saturday night.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 130 kph. On

Deerfoot, you are expected to match the speed of the airplanes coming

in for a landing at the airport. Anything less is considered “Wussy”.

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Calgary now has its

own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the

loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the

biggest tires go second. However, Hamptons, SUV-driving, cell

phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended,

cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It’s another offense that

can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Calgary. Detour

barrels are moved around each night to make the next day’s driving a

bit more exciting, but nothing ever gets finished, and more new

construction starts everyday.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs,

cats, deer, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded

tires, garbage, squirrels, rabbits, crows, and coyotes feeding on any

of these items.

9. In Calgary, 16th Avenue, TransCanada, and “Hwy #1” are all the same

road.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the

shoulder immediately to let them know it has been “accidentally

activated.”

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 110 in a 80-90 kph

zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be “flipped off”

accordingly. If you return the flip, you will be shot.

12. For winter driving, it is advisable to wear your parka, toque, fur

lined mittens and mukluks. Make sure you have a shovel, food, candles

and blankets in the vehicle, as snow removal from the city streets is

virtually non-existent until the spring thaw.

 

 

Calgary is still a great place to live though!